How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Reblogging because there are some sassy little shits out there.
This graphic is fabulous. It represents a tiny crash course in rhetoric. Learn these things. Put them on your wall. Whisper them into the breeze. These are THINGS TO KNOW.
Bookmark this shit and the next time someone begins gobbling nonsense at you on a social network, instead of engaging, point them to this handy chart. Also useful: Thought Catalog’s “How To Have A Rational Conversation" flowchart.
I’ll give someone a fucking nickle if they can sit through this and not laugh or cringe. This is why tumblr terrible, and everyone who is like this deserves to get euthanized.
the worst part of this video is not the message. yea, fuck her message, faggot is a great word and i agree, fuck these kinds of people. But the worst part is the fucking presentation. Holy fuck, I mean why the movement, just why. Also, is that elder scrolls music? And girl, you need a new speech writer, because while you can certainly emote, you sound like an only child in middle school with a friend to book ratio of 1:1000.
This movie made me feel things I never needed to feel.
what movie is this D:
this is riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma
Come guys, there’s only 45 hours left to fund this baby!
DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY
YOU’RE SO FUCKING SLOW
AND FAT, WHAT DO YOU WEIGH
YOU CAN’T FUCKING SING
I’LL START A FUCKING FIGHT
GET OUT MY WAY YOU FUCKING HO
I’M DRIVING HERE TONIGHT
JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE
OVER BODIES EVERY DAY (HEY)
JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL
BITCH WHAT DID I SAY
RUN THAT ASS CUZ YOU CAN’T HIDE
FROM MY MOTHERFUCKING SLEIGH
EVERY YEAR AROUND THIS TIME
THIS POST COMES BACK
ETS BACK. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
why have I never seen this I’m dead.
I sang along out loud. No shame.
Sleigh ride? Nah, slay ride.
Known primarily for his revenge triptych, South Korean auteur, Park Chan-Wook, has rightfully earned a reputation for high-drama punctuated with devastating violence. What’s less often talked about is his thematic and stylistic range. The final images collected here are from a procedural, a pair of revenge melodramas, a rom-com, a horror, and a psychological thriller. They all clearly demonstrate a diverse, highly poetic filmmaker with very deliberate visual pallet.
You’re no fun